Peacekeeper No Longer by Bialar Crais
by tiberius1
Summary: Fanfic 2003 Finalist His life from his point of view. Voting at http:farscapeawards.


Title: Peacekeeper No Longer  
By Bialar Crais  
Author: Translated by LTGarrix webmistress@craisie.com  
  
Rated: PG-13  
  
Category: Best Memoirs  
  
Summary: The lost memoirs of former PK captain Bialar Crais  
  
INTRODUCTION  
  
As I near the end of my life I find myself reflecting on the extraordinary path my life has taken. So much has happened since that day long ago I was born in a small farming commune on a relatively unimportant planet in Peacekeeper Territory. Even though it has been more than one hundred cycles since I left the Peacekeepers, I find my service with them has left and indelible mark on my being.  
  
In this record I will attempt to recount my life to the best of my abilities. My greatest thanks go to Talyn. Without his databanks I may not have been able to recount events with such detail. His vast datastores have recorded much about my life, including private thoughts. As much as I am loath to do so, I must also thank the human, John Crichton. Had he never entered my life and turned it upside down I would either still be a Peacekeeper or more likely dead by now. There are many others whom deserve thanks, but those two had the greatest influence on my life.  
  
I also wish to thank my family for supporting me. Many of them do not realize the darkness my past harbors, but they have stood by me as they have learned what I once was. They fully accept the fact that I am not the same man anymore.  
  
  
MY LIFE ON THE COMMUNE  
  
I remember very little of my life before conscription. It is mostly impressions and feelings. I do not even remember the name of the planet or the name of my village. Those things were not important to a seven year old. All that was important was my friends and family. Of which Tauvo was my best friend. Tauvo was two years younger than me and looked up to me as his personal hero. I knew the answers to his questions and since I was bigger than him I could do things he couldn't  
  
In my mind's eye we lived on an enormous farm. Most of what we grew was celet, a grain that could be used to make flour. We also raised tracas for meat. I vaguely recall that my father had the largest heard of tracas in the territory. After my sixth birthday I recall my father taking me to the village council meetings. As memory serves he was a man of some import. Other members of the village looked up to him. I did not pay much attention to these meetings. They were boring with too much talking to interest a young boy. Now, looking back, I believe that my father wanted to teach me what I would need to know as an adult. He was hoping I would assume his place of prominence in the village.  
  
Growing up on the farm, your life is dictated by the seasons. The spring and the fall are the busiest seasons. From the time I could walk I remember going along with my father for the planting. He gave me all kinds of instruction on how to choose the best seeds, when to plant, how to ensure that the soil is fertile and anything else relating to farming. I don't think he expected me to remember any of it. He just hoped that over time the repetition would cause his lessons to sink in with me. Strangely enough, some of them did.  
  
In the fall, he did the same for harvest. We had huge threshing machines that did the bulk of the harvest work. The grains were separated for sale to the mill and the stalks were used for animal feed over the winter months.  
  
My most vivid memory of childhood is also the one that taught me one of life's most valuable lessons. It occurred the spring before the recruiters came. Tauvo and I begged father to let us raise one of the tracas that had been abandoned by its mother. He was reluctant to let us undertake this task. After all we were only five and seven. He finally relented. We were so proud that Father had thought we were ready for that level of responsibility. We vowed we would succeed. At first we took turns getting up in the middle of the night in order to feed it every four arns. When it was two monens old it became ill. Tauvo and I stayed up all night taking care of it, ensuring that it did not die. Father was proud that his two young sons had persevered and kept it alive.   
  
At the end of the season Father told us he needed to take it away. We asked him where he was taking it. Father was reluctant to tell us, but we were unrelenting in our questions. After all, we had invested many arns in ensuring it grew up. Father finally told us that he would be taking it to market to sell for food. Tauvo and I were heartbroken. We cried and pleaded with Father to spare this one traca. He stood his ground firmly. He told us that if we were to be farmers we must understand that everything has a purpose in life. The purpose of some creatures involves their dying in order to benefit others. We tried to understand, but we had put too much of ourselves into that traca. Father stayed with us and let us cry until we had no more tears. That was the day that I really understood what death was and that it was a part of life.  
  
I believe that lesson more than any other prepared Tauvo and I for life as Peacekeepers. Most conscripts have never had to deal with death before.  
  
The few other memories I retain are more general. They are of Tauvo and me playing in the barn or green fields. I also remember town gatherings such as the harvest feast or marriage feasts. Those were fun times when the children were allowed to run free. Normally it was just the two of us on the farm. The only other times we generally saw other children was when Mother would take us to market on the first day of the week. That was always a fun day for us, because we were allowed to play while she shopped.  
  
Looking back it was a nearly perfect childhood. I'm sure that there are things that were unpleasant, but I have forgotten them over the cycles. I am left only with the good memories.  
  
  
EARLY TRAINING  
  
I remember being scared as we were on the transport ship being taken to the training facility. I knew I had to be strong for Tauvo's sake. I remember him crying himself to bed each night. He wasn't the only one. Many of the others who were conscripted with us also cried themselves to sleep. I was one of the oldest. I could see the look of disdain the recruiters gave us. They saw us as weak. At night I could hear them talking. Most of those conscripted were destined to be nothing more than grunts. A lucky few would rank high enough on the tests to be picked up for Prowlers, special operations or to crew one of the ships as a tactical officer. I remember them joking that no one from our backwater planet was smart enough to be a tech. They didn't think any of us would amount to anything.  
  
From that journey I learned the disdain the shipborn had for the conscripts. I vowed to myself that I would prove them all wrong. I would prove that a conscript could be every bit as good a Peacekeeper as any of them. I would be better than them.  
  
When we began training, it began with gymnastics and self-defense. I worked extra hard. At night I would find myself reviewing the day's lessons. I quickly found myself at the top of my class. Tauvo was not far behind me. After two cycles of training we were tested to determine what track our training would take. There were fifty of us in our conscription group. Two were selected to be techs, two for flight duty and two for tactical duty. Tauvo was happy he was selected for flight duty, but he was sad that we would no longer be together. I was selected for tactical training. That was exactly what I wanted. I knew from there I could rise through the ranks.  
  
When I arrived onboard the command carrier for training, I was overwhelmed. I had heard about them, but something that large was inconceivable for someone raised on the farm. I found I had to work even harder. It seems the Peacekeepers instilled in their children the superiority of those born to service. Doing as well as my classmates was not good enough. I had to do better than them. Even when I did, they still did not accept me. I tried to befriend the other conscripts but I quickly found that they would provide me with no advantage. Until I reached advanced tactical training I led a lonely existence.  
  
For advanced training we were sent to new ships and served with new people. For me this was the perfect opportunity. I hoped that many of the prejudices I had experienced would be overlooked in favor of my excellent performance. For the most part they were. I had one instructor that pushed me harder and treated me worse than the others. At first I thought he was a particularly hateful shipborn Peacekeeper. I later learned that he was being harsh because he too was a conscript and knew the importance of being better than the others. He took particular pride in producing conscripts who performed better than those born to service. Even though I relished in the challenges he set for me, I was glad to finally be accorded the rank of sub-officer and transferred to my first ship.  
  
  
MY BROTHER'S DEATH  
  
Upon my brother's death I was plunged into madness. The desire for revenge consumed me. I did not want his murderer to have a quick death. I wanted it to be long and painful. This madness was compounded when I realized the man I suspected of murdering him was an inferior species. Only after Tauvo's death did I realize that he was my anchor. I had always known that as Peacekeepers we could be killed. I had never considered that one of us would be killed in a meaningless accident.  
  
I had always hoped that we would one day be able to serve together. We were allowed to complete the early part of training together. After indoctrination we were separated. We were allowed to correspond with each other, but we saw very little of each other. He was trained as a Prowler pilot and I entered into the command path. When I was promoted to command carrier captain I finally had the means to serve with my brother again. As soon as I had established myself, I requested his transfer. He served onboard for almost three cycles before that fateful day.  
  
The madness consumed me for the better part of a cycle. I only cared about tracking down Crichton. The escaped prisoners meant little to me. I gave no thought to the well-being of my crew or my reputation as a Peacekeeper. With each passing day I descended deeper and deeper into madness. I no longer cared how I looked. I ate and slept sporadically.  
  
My madness was at its worst after my encounter with Maldis. He knew exactly what to do to allow my need for revenge to take control. Before I was taken to his compound I was considering returning to Peacekeeper space. After receiving the message from First Command I knew that my command and indeed my life were in danger. I was loathe to give up the chase for my bother's murderer, but we had no sign of the escaped Leviathan for over three monens. Even the wanted beacons were no longer generating any responses. The trail was cold. My need for vengeance was waning to the point where sanity was beginning to take charge.  
  
After my time with Maldis, I knew that nothing could stand between my vengeance and me. Not First Command, not even my own crew. I killed Lt. Teeg in order to ensure that I could continue with my quest for vengeance. A small part of me knew that Crichton was not responsible for Tauvo's death, that it was an accident. I refused to admit that fact until my life had come crashing down around me.  
  
  
THE DAY I REALIZED I WAS NO LONGER A PEACEKEEPER  
  
I have been asked this question many times. I had to put a considerable amount of thought into that question the first time it was asked. By now I have suitably analyzed the question and have a definitive answer. Many would think it would be the day I disobeyed orders from First Command and killed Lt. Teeg in order to continue my quest for vengence. That may be the day when I betrayed what it meant to be a Peacekeeper, but I did not realize it. The day I realized it was when Dominar Rygel XVI came onboard the command carrier. I had not admitted it to myself, but the carrier was no longer mine. The crew had heard their captain had been in the Aurora Chair. I was captain in title only. The crew had lost their respect for me. Scorpius was the one giving the orders. He only permitted me to have the illusion of command. I realized this when Scorpius was questioning the Dominar. He was in charge of the questioning. I was there merely because he wanted me to have the illusion of being in charge.  
  
After that questioning I realized my life was forfeit. I knew Scorpius was planning on turning me over to First Command as a traitor. He knew I had disobeyed orders. He also knew that giving that information to First Command would serve to advance his career. In the Dominar I saw the means to escape and perhaps continue to live. I had no guarantee that those on Moya would not kill me, but the chance at life was better then certain death. I rationalized to myself that they had accepted Aeryn. Granted she hadn't spent most of the last cycle trying to capture and kill them. I knew Crichton was sentimental and compassionate. I hoped that he would be able to keep the others from killing me. I also hoped that my tactical knowledge would be enough to keep me alive.  
  
I have often been asked if I intended to steal Talyn when I sought asylum on Moya. The answer to that question is yes. Since I had masterminded the Leviathan gunship program I was intimately aware of the details of his programming. I knew it would be easy for me to convince him to trust me. I also knew that he would provide the means for my continued survival. I had no doubt that if I remained on Moya I would quickly outlive my usefulness. If I was on my own the odds I would survive increased.  
  
I knew that in order for me to escape, Moya had to escape. I was the only one who had the tactical knowledge to provide the diversion that facilitated escape. Had it not been for me, they would have conducted a suicidal and futile attack on my former command carrier. Crichton earned my respect that day. I had not expected him to risk his life in order to save the others. Perhaps humans were worthy of respect and were not the higher function deficient species I had initially believed them to be.  
  
That day I began to rethink my life. I realized I needed a new path. I reflected on my past, all the horrific actions I had done as a Peacekeeper. I thought back to my childhood and what I had learned from my parents before I was taken from them. They would be very disappointed at what I had done with my life. I decided then that I would not use Talyn as a weapon except as a last resort. I would try to instill in him what my parents had given me all those cycles ago.  
  
I was sincere when I told Crichton I realized Tauvo's death was accidental. My time in the Aurora Chair had broken through the madness in which I had been embroiled. I was finally able to see the truth that Crichton had tried to tell me when we were with Maldis. I look back and wonder how different my life would have been had I listened to him that first day. Had I accepted his word and not let my grief and anger control my emotions, I would have taken him back to the command carrier for questioning. It is entirely likely that he would have helped develop wormhole technology and returned home. The brutal war with the Scarrens never would have occurred since the Peacekeepers would have had the advantage and ability to destroy them. Moya would have been recaptured and in all likelihood I would have ordered the prisoners killed.  
  
Most important, Talyn would never have been born. On this I have mixed emotions. I realize now that the hybrid Leviathan project was an abomination. Leviathans are meant to be peaceful. Infusing them with weapons and Peacekeeper aggression set up a personality conflict that was extremely difficult to overcome. The only thing that allowed Talyn and I to work through it was the nurturing nature of our relationship. Had he been raised under Peacekeeper control I doubt he would have survived longer than two cycles. He would have been destroyed as a project failure when his instabilities began to manifest. He would be just another weapon. No Peacekeeper would have tolerated the cybernetic bleedback.  
  
Talyn has also been my friend, my son and my brother all in one. He was the only family I had for a long time. Even though he tortured me at times, he was always apologetic. He was confused, unsure of how to deal with his conflicting emotions. In part because I ripped him from his mother at such a young age and in part because I had no experience to fall back on, we went through many growing pains during his adolescence. As a Peacekeeper you do not misbehave. Failure to adhere to the rules is punished severely. I was forced to accept his outbursts. I knew of no way to punish someone that you rely upon for your survival.  
  
I will further discuss my relationship with Talyn in later chapters.  
  
Once the plan to set the oil moon on fire was in motion, I took advantage of my knowledge of the Leviathan Moya. I was fortunate that the Pilot was young and inexperienced and that the crew had little knowledge of Leviathans. I was able to use my command codes to override Moya's systems and escape. Talyn was too young to know any better than permitting anyone to board him. He actually wanted someone onboard to provide him with advice and help him work through his fear. Once onboard I was able to use my intimate knowledge to gain rudimentary control over him. At this point I had firmly set myself on the path of forsaking everything the Peacekeepers had raised me to be. My only goal was to do something with my life that my parents would be proud of. I wanted to atone for all my sins I had committed as a Peacekeeper. As I look back on my life, I believe I was successful.  
  
  
JOINING WITH TALYN  
  
Joining with Talyn was an extremely...exotic experience. Even though I had spent over a weeken with him, it still came as a shock when he extended the hand of friendship. As his primary designer I knew what it was and what it entailed. At least I thought it did. I will admit I was apprehensive, perhaps a little frightened. No Sebacean had ever been joined with a Leviathan. I did not know what to expect.  
  
As the transponder drew closer I held my breath. The first thing I felt when the transponder was inserted was intense pain. I had never endured that much pain in my life. It felt as if every nerve ending was on fire. It seemed to go on for an eternity. Once the pain began to dissipate I realized I was on the floor. I slowly regained control of my senses and Talyn's.  
  
A Leviathan's senses are indescribable. There is no frame of reference I can use to explain them. It is almost like being omnipotent, at least within Talyn's hull. My mind cannot process all the information at once. Even after many cycles of being joined with Talyn it is still easy to be overwhelmed. I did not have time at first to fully investigate these new sensations. It would have to wait until after we had escaped from Scorpius.  
  
Once we had affected our escape I was able to explore Talyn as I never had before. It was most disorienting when I first saw myself. Even to this day, I avoid using Talyn to see myself. At this point he had not yet developed DRDs. That meant that if anything broke I had to fix it. Fortunately it was rare for anything to go wrong. Once the DRDs were created I again noticed that they had Peacekeeper influence. That surprised me. I had not expected that result. I found that I was able to direct them directly without having to ask Talyn. He was quick to remind me that it was only because he wished it.   
  
At first Talyn was grateful for my guidance and instruction. His databanks contained great stores of knowledge, but he was unable to determine what was important. I began teaching him as soon as we were free. I knew that it would not be possible to keep watch continuously and that we would have to depend on each other to survive.  
  
  
EARLY DAYS WITH TALYN  
  
I have been in 'command' of Talyn about two monens now. It has taken a long time but I have finally come to accept that my thoughts are no longer my own. He is always there in the corner of my mind. In addition to sharing my thoughts with him, I share his thoughts. They are more alien than anything I have ever imagined. His perception of the universe is not something I could ever explain. Leviathan's have senses that I have no words for. It is truly amazing. There is beauty in space that I have never imagined. I had always perceived space as being cold and empty, but it is teeming with life. Space also has background music that we cannot perceive, even with our most sensitive instruments. The most beautiful sound has to be the song the Leviathans sing. It is complex in its harmonies. Each Leviathan adds to the music, making it a song that is fluid and ever changing as you travel space.  
  
That is the joy of being bonded to Talyn.   
  
To everything there is a downside and this is no exception. I remember very little of my life before the Peacekeepers. When they conscripted us they did everything they could to make us to forget our life. It is a good thing, because when you are raised in a loving and nurturing environment it can lead to weakness that the Peacekeepers do not desire. I do remember being curious as a child, but the level of curiosity Talyn exhibited is far beyond what mine was. His questions are nearly endless. He begins asking as soon as I am awake and continues until I retire for the night. He does pay attention to lessons, but he requires in depth explanations for everything. I am used to dealing with Peacekeepers who will believe what they are taught or follow orders without question. To say that I am frustrated would be a gross understatement.  
  
Today we have been arguing about the use of force. I now realize I did too good a job creating Talyn to be a weapon. He cannot understand why he should not use force to solve a problem if it will provide a solution. I can feel a headache developing. I am having a hard time convincing him that violence is not always the most suitable solution. He does not see the value in negotiating. He is convinced it is a sign of weakness. Yes, I definitely did too good a job of instilling him with Peacekeeper values. That belief is straight out of what I was taught beginning shortly after my conscription. I tell him I need to take a break from our 'discussion.' This only leads to more questions, ones I am too drained to deal with at the present. I place the transponder in privacy mode. I can still feel him in the corner of my mind, but I not longer feel his senses or hear his thoughts. I will take an arn to recover. Perhaps I can prevent the headache.  
  
While I have this time to myself I begin to reflect on whether or not I should have left Talyn with his mother. He asks questions I do not have answers for. While she may have been better equipped to answer Leviathan questions, he is not entirely Leviathan. Officer Sun may have been able to provide him with some answers and guidance since they are products of the same society, but I know there some questions that only I can answer. Aeryn knew nothing of the hybrid project. I also know that it would have been highly unlikely that Moya and Talyn would have been able to elude capture had they remained together. They would not have been willing to risk letting Talyn starburst so soon. It is true that he could have followed Moya though starburst, but I knew that they would have been too overprotective. I could not risk allowing Talyn to fall into Peacekeeper hands. I now realize that while Talyn is a marvelous creation he is also an abomination. Leviathans are peaceful creatures and should be allowed to exist as such. The hybrid Leviathan project is one that should never be duplicated. For this reason I do not regret my decision to take Talyn from his mother.  
  
Even with Talyn's company I find myself lonely. At present our relationship is that of father and son or teacher and student. I hunger for the company of another person. Someone I could talk with, workout with. I find that I can still keep in shape, but working with an opponent keeps your reflexes sharp. I also find that I would enjoy the company of a woman. I think that may be contributing to my ever-shortening temper. Onboard the command carrier it would be easy to satisfy that need.  
  
All too soon my arn of respite is over and I turn the transponder back on. I can feel Talyn in my thoughts again. He is curious as to whether or not I am all right. He can feel that I am tense and begins asking questions I don't want to answer. When I don't answer I can feel him probing deeper. He senses my sexual tension and begins asking about it. I know I have two choices, I can tell him or he will continue to probe for an answer. I decide it is in my best interest to explain. Talyn listens in silence. I know that he doesn't understand what I am talking about. He asks me why I don't do something about it. That began a fascinating discussion that led to subject of pleasure planets. Before I could say anymore Talyn had begun scanning for pleasure planets. If there is one thing I have discovered, it is that there is no shortage of pleasure planets in the Uncharted Territories.  
  
In two days time we had arrived at a pleasure planet. Talyn then decided to lock me out of all the living spaces. I am amazed at his ability to block my control. Talyn was designed so that the Sebacean that became his captain would be able to exert a certain level of control over him. It seems this part of the project did not go as planned. He left me with no choice but to go down to the surface. He refused to respond to my attempts at communication.  
  
When I arrived I was in a less than genial mood. I was still angry with Talyn for forcing this upon me. He had made it clear I would not be allowed to return until I had recreated. I went to the nearest bar in search of a drink. I needed to calm down before I looked for a partner. Fortunately the planet Talyn had chosen had a large Sebacean population. I got a few odd looks as I walked the streets. It seems Peacekeepers are not entirely unknown in this region of space. Even with that I had no difficulty getting service at the bar. By the time I was on my third drink I was feeling a bit more relaxed. I turned around to take a good look at the other patrons in the bar. There weren't that many. Obviously it was still early. I decided to find somewhere to eat while I waited for business to pick up.  
  
By the time I returned to the bar business had improved. I identified several attractive women. Unfortunately I had no idea what to do. As a Peacekeeper, if you want to recreate with someone you just ask. I have memories that this was not the normal way Sebaceans found a recreating partner. I decide I would have to watch and learn the proper method.  
  
After an arn of observation I had seen several successful methods. I had also seen a far greater number of failures. I was not encouraged by my findings. The barkeeper had seen my perplexed look and came by to offer me advice. It did not seem particularly helpful. He told me to relax and be myself. He also advised me to begin by buying a drink for a woman I found attractive. Totally useless information as far as I was concerned.  
  
I was just about to leave the safety of the bar and begin looking for a partner when a rather attractive woman sat beside me. She quickly glanced at me and smiled shyly. She had incredibly long dark hair that looked silky soft and warm brown eyes nearly hidden behind her long lashes. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the bartender nod at me. Somehow I managed to find my voice and ask her if I could buy her a drink. She accepted. Now that I had a foot in the door I had no idea what to do next. I decided to learn a little more about my potential partner. She was on vacation from some sort of government job she didn't want to discuss. She told me her name was Vera, but I somehow doubt it was her real name. At first I thought she might not be interested in me that way, but I later realized it was a ploy to cause me to find her more desirable. It worked.  
  
As we talked I also learned she liked to touch me. She knew just how to touch me to arouse me. I found I wanted her. No, I needed her. I had no idea how to broach that subject. It seems I had a lot to learn about life in the Uncharted Territories. I finally asked her if she wanted to go somewhere a little more private. She suggested we go back to her hotel room.  
  
When we arrived at her hotel room I was awestruck by its size. It was a suite that was quite a bit larger than my quarters had been onboard Dak'har. I assume that her job was more than she had led me to believe. She poured me a drink and left me in the main room while she slipped into 'something more comfortable.' I was beginning to think that it was not my charm that had attracted her to me. I decided to make the most of this opportunity anyway.  
  
When she returned she was wearing a long silky black robe that was barely on her shoulders and left open. Underneath she was wearing a black chemise that barely covered her. She was wearing heels that gracefully defined her long legs. I almost dropped my drink. She glided over to me and placed my drink on a nearby table. She began running her hands across my chest. Even through my clothes her touch was electric. She reached for the fasteners on my jacket and began undoing them slowly. I slipped my hands under her robe and ran my hands gently along her bare back. As she was undoing my jacket she asked, "What is a Peacekeeper doing so far into the Uncharteds and alone at that?"  
  
By now she had finished unfastening my jacket and gently pushed it off. I was forced to let go of her. I drank in her scent. It was exotic and erotic. "I am no longer a Peacekeeper," I whispered.  
  
She kissed me passionately and I returned it. I decided I needed to take control of the situation. When I released her she answered, "That's good. I don't like Peacekeepers." She walked over to the couch and lounged seductively with one arm over her head. I knew I had to have her. I could also see the lust in her eyes. She then ordered the lights dimmed.  
  
  
The next morning when I awoke, she was gone. With my clothes were a note and a pouch. The note thanked me for a wonderful night and asked me to lock the door behind me. The pouch contained a small fortune. I have never found out who that woman was.  
  
When I returned to Talyn I was in a much better mood. Talyn sensed the change in my demeanor and was overly pleased with himself for the next several days.  
  
  
CRICHTON'S DEATH  
  
Throughout my Peacekeeper career I saw many deaths. I had become numb to it. We were trained to accept it as part of the price paid for maintaining the peace. Or so I thought. I found that was not the case when Crichton died at DamBaDa. His death affected more profoundly than I ever could have imagined.  
  
I was not thrilled to have Crichton, Rygel and Stark on board Talyn, to say the least. I had been trying to convince Aeryn to join us for some time, but she had resisted. I was thrilled that she would be onboard. I hoped that I would be able to convince her that the best choice for her was to remain with the two of us, for her to abandon her dreams of a life with the human.  
  
When I convinced her to take the transponder, I thought I had succeeded. Unfortunately Talyn was not acting rationally due to the stress he was under and attempted to kill Crichton. I believe that this one act permanently drove her away from us. He could not fathom the love and dedication she felt for this human. I was only beginning to understand the depth of their feelings for each other. For Talyn and I, the bond with Aeryn provided us with a new outlook on life.  
  
While at Dam-Ba-Da we learned the hardest lesson we could. I know that John Crichton will never be my friend. The one that survived did not share the same experiences I did with the one who died. Looking back I can now see the beginnings of a friendship were forming. I remember the first day I was caged on Moya. Crichton remarked to me how he longed for 'human male to male companionship.' At the time I had no idea what he meant. All these cycles later I finally understand.  
  
Given the low opinion I had of humans I was profoundly shocked by how readily he sacrificed himself. I was forced to look past the animosity we had shown for each other. I forced myself to admit that he was a good man, worthy of my respect. Even to this day, I find I miss him. In some ways he reminded me of my brother Tauvo. Perhaps that is why I pretended to hate him so much. Here was a man, who in many ways was similar to my brother, but had taken my brother's life. Even though I forgave him, the loss and reminder brought about by his presence still stung.  
  
The sacrifice on his part affected me profoundly. It led me to further re-examine my motivations in life. I also realized that up until this point my life had no meaning, no purpose. The only purpose I had had for the last two cycles had been survival. I was tired of a life of emptiness. I needed to find purpose.  
  
  
DESTROYING THE COMMAND CARRIER  
  
I have made my decision. It is quite possibly the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. I have seen first hand the power that wormholes can unleash. What Crichton demonstrated at Dam-Ba-Da showed that wormholes could be used for destruction. I have no doubt that they could destroy a planet. If either the Scarrens or the Peacekeepers developed this technology they could use it to exterminate the other. While I do not like the Scarrens, no one should be subject to the horrors wormholes can unleash.  
  
Crichton is correct. The wormhole project must be destroyed. I know that he has no idea how to accomplish this. I can see that the wormhole equations are taking over his mind. He has asked for my advice in devising a plan to destroy the command carrier. He knows that it was my ship and I know it well. I also know how well Peacekeeper command carriers are designed. Any method that would lead to its destruction is barred to us.  
  
There is only one path left to us. It will require Talyn's cooperation. I have had far more success in repairing his personality matrix than I have led the Peacekeepers to believe. I have tried to get onboard to discuss my plan with him, but Scorpius has barred me from boarding. Since Talyn and I share engrams I have no doubt that I can convince him to participate in my plan.  
  
Crichton already believes I am a traitor. Fortunately I have been able to convince Aeryn of my intentions. Over the past two cycles she has been the only one to ever show me any measure of trust. I believe our common background has led to her giving me her trust. At the end I believe the other Crichton had finally acknowledged that I had truly changed. I find myself mourning his death. I believe that we could have been friends. We had worked through our differences.  
  
Aeryn has gone to find Crichton so that I can explain my plan. I have no doubt that he will not believe me. It does not matter. In the end, I will prove myself. It is with great trepidation that I have decided to ask Talyn to starburst inside the command carrier. There is a small chance that we will survive. Between the changes in the command carrier's structure and Talyn's hybrid nature, unknown variables have entered into the calculation. I will not tell the others. It is best if everyone believes we have perished. At some point in the future I may decide to reveal to the others that I have survived.  
  
  
MY THOUGHTS ON ALIENS  
  
On the commune that I was raised we were strictly a Sebacean colony. We were too far from any industrialized area of the planet to be visited by aliens. They never instilled in me any beliefs at all on aliens. It was just something people from the commune never experienced.  
  
When I was conscripted by the Peacekeepers I was quickly taught that Sebaceans were the superior species in the Universe. There were two types of aliens, documented and undocumented. The average Peacekeeper was limited to contact with documented aliens. Prolonged contact with undocumented aliens could lead to a declaration of irreversible contamination. This declaration was paramount to a death sentence.  
  
Documented aliens were sometimes used for the more menial tasks in the Peacekeepers. At one point I had a personal server who was one of the inferior aliens. I could not tell you what species she was. I only know that she did an adequate job preparing my food and keeping my quarters clean.  
  
We were trained that the only thing more repulsive than an alien was a Sebacean-alien half-breed. I have come to the belief that not every Peacekeeper believed in what we were taught. Why else would Scorpius have been allowed to attain the position he had? His presence sickened me. The fact that that abomination had been given a position of importance, even if it was as a scientist was abhorrent. Even worse was when he began exerting his influence to take control of my ship.  
  
After I escaped to Moya I realized I would be forced to reexamine my views on aliens. In order to survive I would have to move far from Peacekeeper space. I would be interacting on a regular basis with aliens and would have to rely upon them for survival. Early on it was difficult for me to break my Peacekeeper training in my dealings with aliens. I had grown accustomed to being in charge and being feared. Once I was away from Peacekeeper space and no longer had the protection of my guard I found that I was not feared. I was forced to become more vigilant on my planetary excursions.  
  
Over time I have come to determine that many alien species are not inferior to Sebaceans. They are just different. I have actually learned a great deal from some of the aliens with which I have interacted. Over the cycles I came to have a certain amount of respect for the Moya crew. I know that I have never been considered a friend by any with the possible exception of Aeryn.  
  
The longer I lived away from the Peacekeepers, the more tolerant I became of aliens. I still do not believe I would consider taking an alien as a recreational partner, but I am proud to count non-Sebaceans among my friends. I believe that my bond with Talyn has helped me become more tolerant.  
  
  
SURVIVING THE COMMAND CARRIER  
  
After destroying the command carrier, we awoke to a world of pain and darkness. I was bruised and battered, but surprisingly had suffered no major injuries other than a concussion. Talyn, on the other hand, was much worse off. His center fin had broken off at its narrowest point and there were more hull breeches than I could count. His pain was nearly overwhelming to me. The first thing I had to do was to convince him to limit what he shared through our link. A good portion of the DRDs were out of commission, leaving me to bear the brunt of the repair work.  
  
The first thing was concentrated on was putting out the fires. This was easy since most of those areas could be vented to space. I was able to put out the fires in the areas that could not be vented. Upon a complete survey of the damage I could tell that Talyn had a long road to recovery. I also knew that he was too vulnerable floating in space. We needed to hide somewhere. Preferably someplace I could procure supplies. After a quick check of the hangar, I knew it would have to be a planet. The transport pod had been destroyed. I only hoped that if Talyn landed somewhere he would be able to take off again.  
  
When I checked our position I was shocked. We had landed far outside Peacekeeper space. Farther than any starburst should have sent us. The only explanation was that we were somehow sent down a wormhole. It took a weeken for us to limp to the nearest habitable planet. The inhabitants were friendly enough. In exchange for my services teaching their military, they provided my with the supplies I needed to repair Talyn. A few of then were even able to offer some assistance in conducting the repairs.  
  
During this time, I once again became accustomed to the comradeship shared by soldiers. I had forgotten it during my solitude on Talyn. I now found that I was ready for the solitude to end. For a short time I contemplated remaining, but I knew that would be unfair to Talyn. I still did not believe I was the best choice for his captain, but I had not found a suitable replacement.  
  
It took nearly a cycle for Talyn to fully recuperate. It was both a joyous and a sad day when I determined he was ready for flight. My students did not want to see me go for the believed there was much they could still learn from me. I did not wish to be alone again. In the end, it was decided that I would select ten individuals to accompany me as my crew. It felt good to be in command of a crewed vessel again. We launched into the stars on a mission of exploration. I vowed never to use Talyn's guns in aggression again. 


End file.
